I find myself with an incredible urge to do absolutely anything BUT write.
It makes me really angry and disappointed in myself because I can’t force myself to focus or be motivated to write when there are so many more things to do. Some would call it lazy but I prefer to think of it as unmotivated.
Whenever I have had to do anything to a deadline I have had no problem whatsoever in getting myself motivated and determined to finish, be it an essay, coursework or a script for university. When you have a deadline – in work or at university, college or school – there is a reason for it. And there will always be repercussions if you do not hit those deadlines.
Since leaving university and having only myself to write for, the pressure and the motivation of looming deadlines no longer exists. And this is what troubles me. Because I know that if I decide not to write for a week or so, nobody will care, nothing will happen, I won’t fail anything and the rest of my life won’t be affected by it, at least in the short term. On the other hand, if I did spend a weeks worth of my free time writing, I may be able to accomplish something, maybe even finish a short story and have something tangible at the end of that week. So why is that not motivation enough?
More and more I find myself turning to television, reading a book and convincing myself this is just as good, or turning on the PlayStation and working on returning Ajax to their former status as European heavyweights (mission accomplished by the way). Then after a couple of hours I feel bad that I have not written.
It’s a vicious circle. I’m trapped and I don’t know how to get out.